


Something to Believe In

by skipper



Category: Jonas Brothers
Genre: Angst, Brothers, Childhood, F/M, Humor, Marriage, Minor Character Death, Weddings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-12-16
Updated: 2014-04-05
Packaged: 2017-11-21 06:34:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,214
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/594580
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skipper/pseuds/skipper
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <img/></p><p>He was walking outside when he first saw her. Grocery shopping he believes, but like many of life’s little mysteries that part tends to grow fabricated. There was a constant bustle when he left the establishment, the pouring rain causing a mini panic as patrons rushed to their cars. However, not for him, he had no reason to rush, never did.</p><p>That’s when he saw her; his breath caught, heart raced, the entire world stopped as he faded into the very sight. She spun with arms spread; head back, mouth open wide. An infectious smile graced her lips, and he smiled in return. The rain continued to fall in thick sheets but his senses remained trained only to her, especially as he heard the echo of her laugher fill his ears. The smooth, melodic sound reverberated through his body, shocking him to his very core.</p><p>At that moment, he knew. It was a sound he would spend the rest of his life attempting to recreate, a sound that truly completed him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Zero

**Author's Note:**

> I started this in March of 2010. I have not finished, but I will finish. I can't promise timely updates, but I can promise it will be done at some point. I'm very proud of this story, but it is unbeta'd. It's been pointed out that it needs editing outside of me, as I struggle with grammar and switching between active and passive voice. This is my apology, lol. You have been warned.
> 
> And the banner was done by my darling [Megan](https://twitter.com/meganlynnxo). It's still one of my favorites of hers.

Life is one of those things. It can never remain constant, the plans and emotions always move, the world revolving even if he isn’t. Life, it can be expressed in a number of ways, each day changing from the last, every morning separate from the evening. It could be conveyed with joy; happiness, smiles and laughter that leaves him aching for more.

It can also be filled with immeasurable pain, he’s left gasping for breath as the most unforeseen of circumstances occur. It’s in those moments that life seems to count the most, all depending on what is decided. It’s up to him, he supplies the needed comfort, the support, or the damage already done, tearing him apart from the inside out.

Maybe someone else could have said what was needed to be said, touched when they were supposed to, remained silent instead of frozen. Perhaps they could have seen what he didn’t, known exactly what she needed as they stared into that doctor’s eyes. Those moments that changed every part of his existence, giving him choices he never meant to handle. These moments separate him from everyone else.

These moments, they plagued Joe on that cool October night. The day they would always remember and he would eventually come to regret. He stood across the room, staring into the empty pram as she lay back on the stiff bed; neither was able to listen to the man. The truth, he repeated, his voice rising above the joyful cries outside the door, but none awaited them.

His words shocked them, broke them, left them gasping for their lost breath. Her tears began to fall once again and he didn’t react, he couldn’t. He didn’t understand what was going on, how this even happened, and most of all, why to them. He fought against each of his emotions, leaving her all alone when he was feet away, watching and inevitably, letting her fall.

In the days after, the slow deterioration began; she fell apart, slowly breaking down as he moved further away. Until one day, he couldn’t even recognize himself. Each day still passed, the world continued to revolve, their lives slowly resuming a broken order. They went to work, came home, ate dinner, and went to bed, each day the same without fail.

As the tensions arose, the arguments began, she found the seat he left up, and he burned his hand on her straightener, this thing or that, it was always wrong, never to be right. Nothing was ever resolved, each thing put off for another day that never happened, waiting for the conversations that never existed, until all communications ceased. It was an accumulation of errors but neither recognized the effects until long after it was too late, by then it was beyond fixing.

The two quickly developed a façade, able to pass the persona of a perfect marriage, as if hardly affected by the loss. The others around them, their friends, and her parents were none the wiser, often commenting on their strength, their ability to overcome. After a few months, they began to fail even more.

The holidays continued to approach, much to their dismay. The celebrations were only a reminder of what never was, what never could be, not anymore. They had to take a plane, a preplanned visit to his family, and for just three days, they had to pretend.

As quickly as it had began, the wall fell, revealing all that they had been inwardly fighting. One late night argument turned into two, then three. He’d forgotten to pack this, she’d done that, he’d said this. Each fault began to overwhelm them, growing until there was nothing left to reveal, nothing left to expose. Every word reverberated through the house, signaling to everyone how they’d been struggling, barely hanging on.

It wasn’t until later that Joe understood that they’d heard, they’d seen, but no one spoke of it, letting another wedge slide between the couple. After the weekend, when they were home once again, things began to form back into a firm routine. Though this one without words. The arguments faded as their lives separated, each day pushing them further apart, as though they’d never coexisted at all.

Life’s funny that way, it will throw you for loops and turns, much as Joe continued to discover repeatedly. His little brother’s wedding was coming. It had been approaching for months but like so many things, he shoved it away in the back of his mind, simply forgotten. He learned, as the day neared, that she already booked the tickets, as though she’d known he would forget.

Joe never admitted to it, but simply accepted the itinerary wordlessly, and once again, neither spoke of it at all. Upon reading the typed page, she had everything in order; they had their routine perfected from the months upon months of practice. It was just eleven days, only eleven days to hide from his family, just eleven days to uphold the image, eleven days to pretend they’d never failed before.

Nevertheless, as he had before, Joe learned the hard way that things don’t always go as planned. Even the most perfected of behaviors fall. Being around the ones that love you the most, as they soon discovered, holds the power to bring out both the best and worst of emotions.

There are things that will always cause the past to haunt you, the hurtful words spoken never linger as much as the significant ones left unspoken. As though never to be said again. Sometimes those ruthless words need be spoken, the truth has to be heard despite how painful, or how many broken wounds it might open.

In those eleven days, with their lies revealed, it left them utterly exposed. They remained breathless, choking on the air that had left them that October night. However, in the end, sometimes salt cannot clean; the scars etched too deep, the pain too great, leaving you only to accept defeat.

It’s these moments that a second choice arises, one that will decide your fate, the rest of their life. This particular choice had Joe gasping all over again. He didn’t understand the impact, however, until much later. He didn’t know if it would be for the better or the worse, right or wrong. He only knew it could leave him with the chance for happiness, or forever in utter despair.

Because, it only took a matter of seconds to change those two lives forever. In those single, fragile moments a life was lost, a love evaporated, leaving everyone in its wake devastated and unmistakably alone. 


	2. One

Joe sat in his chair, crossword in hand, inwardly scowling as her classical music filled the air from the next room. She played it as she worked, a notion he was aware of, but a volume he never agreed to. After a moment, he noted that the music had lowered but made no move to ask why, only filling in forty-two down as the answer came to him.

The silence that followed the music’s abrupt end was stifling but Joe had grown to use to it, so much so that he sometimes didn’t even notice. This time, however, he lowered the paper, and it was hard not to feel the shift and knew she had moved. He jumped slightly at the sound of her voice from the following room, not having expected her to speak.

“Joe,” Audrey called, “It’s time to go.” He lifted his head as she entered the room, not speaking as he glanced in her direction. Confused by her dressed up attire, Joe furrowed his brow. She stood with her hands on her hips as she stared at him knowingly, “Why aren’t you ready?”

“What are we doing?” he asked, staring in bewilderment. She threw her hands up in the air, her eyes hardening as he continued to sit.

“Are you kidding me?” she cried out. He shook his head, cowering slightly but he couldn’t remember for the life of him what she was referring to, “Dinner with my parents.”

“Oh,” he gasped, a sense of realization hitting him, remembering it was Wednesday. He set the paper and pencil on the table beside him and stood, “O-okay, let me get changed.”

She sighed and put her coat on as he rushed out of the room. When he returned a few minutes later, she was leaned against the wall, arms crossed and he could recognize her mixed emotions through her hardened stance.

“You ready?” she asked, her voice softening slightly, and he nodded. Joe could see the exhaustion in her eyes, but he made no move to appease it, he never did. It wouldn’t change anything.

The drive was quiet, but it wasn’t a comfortable silence. Like the many nights preceding this one, it was filled with the unanswered questions and lingering doubts. Her hand remained at her side and although Joe saw it, he made no move to reach for it, almost surprising himself that he even thought to hold it.

He no longer made the move to rub his thumb over her knuckles, a gesture that once calmed the both of them. Instead, they sat, his eyes focused on the damp road and hers out the opposite window. He knew she was mentally preparing for their weekly presentation, a lie that moved farther from reality with every passing day.

“We’re here,” Joe said after he parked. Audrey had remained seated for several seconds before he spoke and she nodded, exiting the car before he did. He walked slowly around the car, breathing a deep sigh as he reached for her hand.

They each forced their mouths into a smiling formation, their fingers interlocked, and bodies closer than usual, an act they’d perfected through the course of the last months. Joe listened to her release a breath as they neared the front porch. Her mother opened the door as they approached, ready and waiting to greet them, much like every week.

“Audriana!” her mother called and he saw an honest smile come to his wife’s face. They stepped through the door and he stepped back as his wife embraced her mother, their arms tight around each other. It was the most affection they’d show throughout the course of the evening.

Joe took the time to slip his shoes off, aware to keep dirt from falling onto the carpet a few feet away. He slipped his jacket from his arms and hung it on the guest hook beside the door. “Joseph,” he turned in time for his mother-in-law to greet him with a kiss on the cheek.

“Mary,” he smiled. He watched the older woman step forward and grabbed her daughter’s hand before the three entered the dining room, where the food was already waiting. Joe followed a few paces behind until he sat beside his wife on their side of the table.

“Joseph,” his father in law greeted. He stood shaking the older man’s hand before resuming his seat. He knew to let Mary serve the group. Though raised in an opposite fashion, he’d grown used to it after several awkward meals. Once served, his father in law nodded, and Joe dug in, the smell having set off his hunger.

After a few minutes conversation ensued, and Joe slowed his eating, listening to his wife speak to her mother. Her father, like him, remained silent, though he interrupted with his own comments every few moments while Joe stayed quiet. A part of Joe missed this side of Audrey; it was a side that wasn’t putting on a face, but just his Audrey, whoever that was anymore.

He listened as she continued to describe the current happenings at her job, his eyes widening slightly when she explained a recent promotion that he knew nothing about. Joe felt his appetite fade as the talk continued, and slowly pushed the plate towards the middle of the table when her father did.

After dinner, the four moved themselves to the living room, where the radio was already playing in the corner. They had no television, instead playing their old Nat King Cole records in the background, flipping them when the time came. He watched as his father in law grabbed Mary’s hand to lower her to the seat as Joe moved to sit beside his wife, the inches indicating the miles that continued to separate them.

As the evening progressed, he felt himself lean further and further into the seat, not needing to speak. The conversation didn’t turn to him; it never did, though it never bothered him until now, as his wife’s promotion lingered in his mind.

Joe tried to listen, to think of something to say, but it all seemed useless. Her father wasn’t speaking, his snores resonating shortly after sitting. They paid no mind; it was just like every week before.

By the time, his mother in law mentioned she was tired, it felt years later to Joe, who was more than ready for the departure. They left without waking her father, though Joe glanced to see Audrey pat his leg before they walked towards the exit. He stood back as she and her mother passed a few finals words, lingering longer than usual, and Joe began to wonder why.

He embraced Mary when she stepped forward, and slid his shoes on. With a final word, he followed where Audrey had already exited the house. Mary stood on the porch watching as they left and Joe could see her hand in the air until she was only a speck of dust in the distance.

 

“Did you pack already?” Audrey asked as the entered their front door. Joe shook his head and she immediately scoffed, and he knew she was rolling her eyes. He rubbed his hands over his face as he slipped off his shoes, holding in the urge to groan. He was unable to speak his mind, hardly remembering what the concept even felt like.

“I’ll pack in the morning,” he hissed, despite his resolve to let it go. She glanced in his direction before nodding and watched her move towards their bedroom, and he followed quietly behind. They roamed around the room silently, each finishing their own nighttime routines before climbing into bed at separate times.

After searching for his bags from the top of the closet, he glanced to the corner of the room, where his packed bags were waiting for their trip. He sighed in frustration; she didn’t do it to be nice and considerate. She did it because she knew he’d forget, and he had.

Joe finally slid into the bed, his back away from her as he opened his book to the marked page, trying to lose himself in the words. He heard her sigh from behind him and he closed his eyes tight, waiting for something. He was sure to find out soon.

“Turn off the light,” she said after another minute of sighing. Joe groaned and put down his book, carefully marking the page before setting it back on his nightstand.

With the darkness filling the room, they lay in the bed, backs to each other and no words spoken. After nearly an hour, and several sleeping attempts, Joe was aware she was still awake by the sound of her breathing.

“I didn’t know you’d been promoted,” he said softly. It wasn’t an accusation, but a point, something they were both aware but never acknowledged.

“I know,” she spoke slowly. Silence settled and it was several minutes before she broke it, “It just happened last week.” Joe nodded, fully aware she couldn’t see before letting out a deep breath. He stared at the ceiling, having a need to fill the deafening silence but unsure how.

“What time is our flight tomorrow?” he asked, for lack of anything better to say. She sighed and he knew she was frustrated, most likely having told him all this before.

“Three,” she informed him. “We’ll leave around noon.” With that, he released a soft puff of air, listening to the sound of her breaths as they slowed into a smooth rhythm. He lay for a long time, staring into the darkness before he finally followed suit, though his sleep was neither peaceful nor fulfilling. It never was. It hadn’t been for a long time.

The following morning began like most of their days, the only exception not having to leave for work. Audrey spent her time outside the bedroom while Joe remained inside, randomly going through the items she’d already packed; unsurprised that he didn’t need to add anything.

Although he finished long before, Joe didn’t exit the room until just before it was time to leave. He held his suitcase firm in his hand. She gave him a small nod and once she’d taped up the note to the house sitter, they wordlessly locked up the house.

Their venture to the airport, and following, done the same, silently. The flight was much like their marriage had become, boring and lifeless. Joe sat staring out the window; the book he’d brought left unread in the bottom of his bag.

Audrey sat beside him, though he hardly looked in her direction, only briefly when she’d borrowed a pencil for her crossword. The nerves continued to grow as their destination neared, but had little to do with her, instead what might await them. He held off, at least for the moment, and he rested his head back, pretending to be content.

They hadn’t been back since the previous Christmas, and he’d spent the last seven months lying to his mother assuring her they were perfect. Now he was on his way to see his younger brother, Nick, marry his high school sweetheart, Ryan.

They’d been together since they were fourteen and after eight years were finally tying the knot, now that they were both freshly graduated. Joe hadn’t been able to attend the ceremony due to his work schedule, and despite his inhibitions, nothing was keeping him from watching his younger brother get married.

Joe’s elder brother, Kevin, had been with Danielle for roughly five years, married for four of them, and they’d been perfectly happy all those years. Nothing had gone too seriously wrong, especially in their first months of marriage, they were happy, still desperately in love, a notion Joe didn’t understand anymore. Blessed with one daughter, Gaby, Kevin and Danielle had a second child on the way, due in the fall.

Joe remembered when they had been initially been introduced, via a blind date gone bad, and were inseparable ever since. He’d shook his head when they found a home just minutes from his parents’ house, but where Joe had found his mother’s attentiveness overbearing, Kevin always found it endearing.

His one relief from coming home was that his parents still lived in his childhood home in New Jersey. The memories were one thing Joe loved coming back to. The house, the pictures, the entire feel was the same when he was a kid, when everything was simple and easy.

There was no heartbreak, nothing stolen away at the worst possible moment. Nobody just shook their head for several seconds before walking away, as though they could hide from the pain that you could not. When you were a kid, everything was possible. Quite the opposite as an adult, by then all potentials are gone.

With a deep sigh, Joe forced himself to think of the coming wedding. They were both as happy as could be. Nick and Ryan found themselves a house near his new job, roughly twenty minutes away from their childhood home. In the end, Joe never thought he’d be the only one to get away.

He’d found himself in the Midwest only a few months after graduation, which is where he’d met Audrey. It’d been an accident really; he’d been lost and looking for directions, while she was a free loving college student dancing in the rain. They’d married fast, despite everyone’s protests. He never imagined they’d be right.

“Joseph,” he jumped at the sound of Audrey’s voice and turned his head slowly. “We’re about to get off the plane.”

“Okay,” he said softly. Joe lifted the cover on his window to see that they had indeed landed, and he could already spot the familiar buildings in the distance. Once he heard the announcement overhead, Joe stood, stretching wildly while Audrey stood tapping her foot, waiting until he finished.

He followed behind her, watching as she walked with her head held high, as though she was still as sure of herself as the day he’d met her. She’d never questioned anything, everything just was, and she was content with it. It wasn’t until that night that everything changed, and his Audrey along with it.

Sometimes when she wasn’t looking, Joe would watch her and remember how it once was, how life once was, how they once were. Because in the end, what they had revolved around Audrey, he had always been just the puppy lost in the exuberance of her splendor. At the end of the day, that’s all he had ever been.

“Who’s meeting us?” Audrey asked as they approached security. Joe shrugged, pulling his phone from his pocket, reading the missed messages.

“Kevin and Gaby,” he answered quietly, once again questioning the decision to come at the mention of her.

Joe glanced in Audrey’s direction as they both heaved a sigh, understanding her thoughts, one of the few he did. As they neared the exit, Joe’s steps slowed, his eyes looking straight ahead as they passed the more familiar sights of the airport. They rounded the long corner, finally moving past the security gates, and towards the wide hall. 

As they came into view, they could already hear Gaby chanting their name, her words echoing across the walls. Joe smiled at the sight of his two-year-old niece, so happy, so much life in her, so excited to see someone she barely knew.

“Joe,” Kevin spoke warmly as they approached, pulling his younger brother in for a firm hug. “It’s been too long.” Joe nodded as he stepped back, allowing Kevin to hug Audrey as well. Gaby reached for them and each received a hug from the tiny girl as she giggled in delight.

“We just have two bags,” Joe let Kevin know as they approached the claim. Kevin nodded and stepped back with Audrey, allowing Joe to move forward as he waited for the bags to come around.

Joe could his hear his brother making Audrey laugh, but sighed at the sound, it wasn’t real. Audrey didn’t laugh anymore, not as she used to. It was just another thing they’d lost over the course of the last year.

After he’d grabbed the bags and slung them over his shoulder, Joe followed as Kevin led them to his car, Gaby on his hip. As Joe approached, he recognized the familiar family car he’d purchased when Danielle had become pregnant with the small child, a notion that Joe had honored once as well.

Kevin stood back with Joe to put the bags in the trunk while Audrey buckled Gaby in her seat, but he moved to the passenger door before Kevin could utter a word. Joe knew he wanted to know how they were doing, but how could he answer his brother, once his best friend, when he didn’t understand it himself.

“Just wait until you see Nick,” Kevin laughed, breaking the awkward silence in the car. “You know what they say about the bridezillas, but Ryan is definitely the calm one.”

“I’m not surprised,” Joe laughed lightly, glancing towards Audrey in the backseat with Gaby. It broke his heart to see her interacting with the child, an honest but sad smile on her face.

“Yeah,” Kevin continued breaking Joe of his trance. “Ryan’s always been the level headed side of Nick, and this is certainly no different.”

“I know,” Joe responded wistfully. “I just can’t believe they’re finally getting married. Nick was what, seventeen, when he proposed.”

“I think so,” Kevin thought for a moment. “I’m glad they waited to finish college though, it’ll be good for them.”

“Yeah,” Joe nodded, glancing to the back again. She was still talking to Gaby, but he knew she was listening to every word. Joe moved his eyes towards the window, his mind distancing as Kevin began to discuss the ins and outs of marriage, as though he’d actually had to face them.

“There’s so much more to marriage than they realize,” Kevin continued. “But I think they can make it for the long haul.”

“Let’s hope so,” Joe said after a while, his eyes staring at the window, the sights blurring with his thoughts. Kevin gave him an odd look but didn’t respond.

Once again filled with awkward tension, the rest of the half hour drive was silent. Joe knew Kevin was aching to fix it, but Joe had grown so used to the feeling, he no longer attempted. He only released a soft sigh as he pulled into the familiar driveway, glancing towards his older brother as he put it in park.

“You want help with your bags?” Kevin asked as he removed the keys from the ignition. Joe shook his head as they got out of the car. Kevin moved to the backseat, unbuckling his now sleeping daughter from her seat as Joe went to the trunk. “Okay, well mom’s got you two up in your old room,” Kevin spoke through the open door.

“Thanks,” Joe said as he walked around the car to grab the bags, waiting for Audrey to follow behind him. He glanced back to see her watching him, an action he hadn’t witnessed in a long time. Joe gave her a small nod and they stepped forward wordlessly. Their few seconds of silence only reminded him how long the next days were going to be.

“Joseph,” he smiled at the sound of his mother’s voice, heard before they’d even entered the home. As he stepped inside, her arms were open and around him, pulling him against her, “Joseph, my baby.”

“I thought Nicky Poo was your baby,” Joseph smirked, falling into a familiar sort of character as his younger brother stood a few feet behind their mother. Nick rolled his eyes, flipping him off, obviously trying to hurry before their mother could turn and see.

“No,” his mother sighed. She turned and stared at Nick pointedly, “I can see that finger, Nicholas. You forget the window has a reflection.” Nick blushed as the group laughed, his mother turning back towards Joe, “You have no idea how excited I am at the prospect of him leaving the house for good.”

“Hey,” Nick called out. “You’re gonna miss me when I’m gone.” Their mother rolled her eyes before she moved from Joe to Audrey, who continued to stand awkwardly behind him.

Joe sighed deeply, she’d always felt this way, having grown up an only child. He’d always been the one to make her feel included, and now. Now he could only watch, because he truly didn’t know how anymore.

“You want pizza for dinner?” Nick spoke up. Joe nodded as he took a quick glance at Audrey who seemed to be having an in depth discussion with his mother. He finally trudged forward, leaving them in the entryway, carrying the bags up the stairs towards his old bedroom.

Joe took a deep breath as he entered, staring around at the familiar sights. There were the pictures on the wall, some the same, some different, the bed, his old dresser. It was as though he’d stepped into a time machine, but a comfortable one, one that gave him the urge to smile at the feeling.

He stood for several seconds, just breathing it in, before he walked towards the bed, perfectly made, undoubtedly with fresh sheets. He set the bag on the bed, unzipping a side pocket and rummaging through it aimlessly, but he had to do something even if he didn’t know what that was.

“You okay?” Joe glanced over his shoulder to see Kevin standing in the doorway. Joe lifted his head, staring for a few seconds, before resuming his gaze at his hands as he looked through the bag. With a frustrated groan, he sat on the side and just let himself fall back into the comforter, hoping to find some sort of validation in the thick cotton.

“Yeah,” Joe answered finally, ignoring his brother’s scrutiny. “Just tired, I suppose.” He let out a deep breath and roughly rubbed his hands across his face, trying to relax, but it was to no avail. There was no such thing as relaxing anymore; he didn’t even understand the term, it’d become lost in him like so many things.

“That’s not what I mean,” Kevin said finally and Joe lifted his head, his gaze hardening at the look on Kevin’s face, “And you know that.” Joe watched Kevin leave and groaned loudly, his frustration only growing as the seconds and minutes passed.

“Pizza’s here,” Joe looked up to see Audrey leaning against the doorframe, her eyes watching him.

By her stance, he assumed she must’ve been there for a few minutes, but her face didn’t hold the expected anger. His eyes locked with hers and he could only see the never-ending sadness that filled her eyes, an emotion that caused him to drop his gaze far too quickly. His hands clenched at his sides, but he didn’t know what he wanted.

“Okay,” he responded, slowly sitting himself up. Joe watched her nod and she left her place in the doorway before he had a chance to say another word, not that he would’ve.

By the time Joe began to make his way down the stairs, he could hear the sound of dinner already in full swing. The squeals of Gaby filled the air, a mixture of a whine and laughter as she begged for food, followed by the scolds of Danielle. Nick was yelling at someone, and as another round of laughter ensued, Joe knew Ryan was involved.

Then his parents, their voices of pure joy and contentment with their large family were undeniable, and Gaby. As her laughter resonated throughout the room a second time, Joe had to close his eyes, forcing out the noise to keep from losing his breath. He urged the tightening in his chest to ease, but even as he moved forward, he still struggled for his lost breath.

After the voices softened slightly, Joe entered the kitchen from the side, taking in the sights. He looked to see that Audrey had found herself a chair on the side, and was unsurprisingly eating alone. Her brow furrowed, though her eyes remained on the group, it caused Joe’s breath to catch.

When her gaze shifted, he watched as Audrey turned to look at him, and though his first instinct was to look away, he felt frozen in his place. It was gone as quickly as it came, her gaze moved to her hands where she sat picking at the pizza, she’d never liked it much, Joe suddenly remembered.

With a final deep breath, Joe walked towards the kitchen, making his presence known as he wordlessly grabbed himself a few slices of pizza. After a few moments of contemplation, he found himself a seat on the same couch as Audrey, though she didn’t acknowledge his presence and he hers.

When he saw Kevin look toward him, Joe immediately reached for Audrey’s hand out of practice, and she responded, curling her fingers with his as she gave him a small nod with no words exchanged. With his hand still in hers, ignoring the distinct clamming sensation, Joe focused his attention on the conversations going on around him.

The conversations continued, his father’s day at work, what Ryan and Danielle purchased while shopping, mixed with Nick’s smart-assed responses. All while him and Audrey sat back, lost in another world where they didn’t exist, almost as if they never had.

After they’d finished eating, Joe stacked he and Audrey plates together before throwing them in the nearly full trash can. He thought of taking it out, but knew his mother would be enlisting Nick’s help before too long; it was one of the advantages of being out of the house. Joe stood against the counter before his eyes moved to Audrey, where she still sat at the couch, she’d glanced at him but he didn’t acknowledge it.

They both leaned back in their positions across the room, their eyes watching the rest of the family, though Joe still felt his attention moving to her. He knew how she was feeling, he felt much the same, but had no way to soothe her pain, release her aches, make her happy once again. In all honesty, he didn’t know if that world even existed anymore, or to start, where to find it.

With his focus on the family, Joe suddenly realized how much he’d missed seeing his family, being around them. With nearly eight months since they’d last made the trip out for Christmas, but that hardly counted as a happy holiday for anyone included. A part of Joe wondered if it ever could be happy again, but it was too much of a reminder, a symbol of what he would never forget.

When they’d come, he and Audrey had already been struggling at that point, though the family hardly noticed. It’d been easier to keep up the presence then, less had separated them, they’d been simply arguing then. It was weird to think about how much he ached for the silence then, and now, he’d do anything to get rid of it.

Audrey stood after a while, her eyes locking briefly with Joe’s, but he could only watch her leave, his gaze on the empty trail that signified her departure. By how she moved, Joe knew she was as tired as he was; in many ways, too emotionally and physically exhausted, no longer able to uphold the image. He knew they were failing, but didn’t have the urge to fight it, because he wasn’t even sure what to fight.

Joe felt the looks, heard the whispers, and knew it was only a matter of time before the questions began, yet he still didn’t have any answers. He continued to stare where she’d left the room, wondering, remembering how happy they’d been once. The perfect couple so many had said, and now it was gone. He knew now why he rarely came back to this house, too many damn reminders of what he could never get back, of what he never had.

Without saying goodbye, or even a goodnight, Joe sauntered up to his old bedroom, the door already closed where Audrey was sure to be lying down. He lingered outside the door staring around the house, his eyes over the balcony, eyeing the very place he’d proposed that Christmas Eve.

They’d woken just after midnight, that’s when she wanted to give him his present, she’d insisted. Instead, he dropped to his knee asking her to pull an ornament from the tree, the box holding her ring, and she’d squealed before he could even ask. With her arms around him that night, he felt free, like everything was right in the world, nothing could go wrong, and for forever, she would be all he needed.

When Joe finally slipped inside the door, he sighed at the sight of her facing away from the door, a sure sign she was still awake. He softly closed the door behind him and stepped towards the bag on the floor, surprised to see it already opened and clothes shoved aside.

Joe merely shrugged and slipped off his pants and shirt, letting them fall to the side before climbing to bed in only his boxers, the July heat made it too hot for pajamas. Audrey was still facing the wall as he lay on his side of the bed, the left side, once a running joke, now a burden, another reminder of what once was. He looked over at her as he slid to his pillow, realizing why his bag was open and resisted the urge to smile.

As the minutes turned to hours, Joe struggled to keep his eyes away from her and the sight of her sleeping in his shirt, the fabric bundled between her fists as she slept. She’d turned towards him in the course of her sleep, her bare toes brushing against his calves, but he didn’t push the touch away as he once did. It’d been a long time since he’d witnessed the sight, her lying so close to him, she was always so hardened even in the dead of the night.

Though this night, it was hardly unwelcome, but he was unable to name the surge of emotions it brought, emotions he hadn’t felt in much too long. Joe sat up for a long time, leaning his head against the headboard, his eyes trained on her. She looked remotely peaceful, but her body was still tense and stiff. The reasons why forced him to close his eyes and look away, the only thing he knew how to do.


End file.
